three thoughts

From flickr.com

i'm feeling like a girl in an orange dress with lace up boots tonight. feeling like i'd like to tuck my hair behind my ear.  feeling a little slouchy. not too driven, not sure what to do next. thinking that i don't even have anything to think about.  and then. i remember that i chose my orange dress today. and i laced my boots all the way up. and i even tied double knots. and that whenever i tuck my hair behind my ear, i can smell the best smell in the world (my pillow). so, then, thinking.... maybe i'm ready to take another step into my day. maybe i'm ready to hear the click of my boot heels on the pavement. maybe, just maybe, if i look up, i might notice the zillions of colors and sights and smells surrounding me. then, i'd be really glad i chose my orange dress today. then, i'd remember the breeze tickling my neck. then, i'd remember the sun on my back. then i'd know i'm ready to take another step. into today.

From petitpoulailler.tumblr.com

 swirls have always fascinated me. and i'm just noticing that i always think of them as swirling in an outward direction. and yet, i think i usually use them to focus my thoughts (and feelings) inwards. i have some of these begonias in my classroom. do you know about begonias? you can clip off a leaf, and stick them in a glass of water, and roots will just begin to stretch out. here comes a question:
are your roots being watered right now?

From pinterest.com

there are so many stars flaming, pulsing, firing, dancing just over my head.

i feel like a whirling dervish.

spinning in ecstacy. arms spread wide.

the world is on fire tonight.

life. flaming. pulsing. firing. dancing.

just over my head.

stirring the waters

when you enter the river, how do you feel?
can you feel it closing in around your toe, your ankle, your shins?
does its temperature shock you? or welcome you?
is the river pulling you? are you letting it?

i'm trying to let it take me where it will.

i'm seeing all kinds of things along the way. i'm inspired by this journey. i'm experimenting with laying my head back, and with seeing if my toes can still touch the river bed. i'm seeing scenery that blurs as it passes quickly, and finding other times when the river slows, and i have time to notice a new kind of flower, a patch of moss.

you know the saying, "you can never enter the same river twice."

do you agree?

when i entered this river, this time, i was going in by myself. i didn't know who i'd find there, and what it would be like. and now, i'm seeing there are many of us in here.

From google.com.hk

the river is teeming with voices. voices sharing this journey with me, sharing their journey with me. i'm feeling so blessed.

what is stirring your waters today? 

are there rocks tumbling and smoothing themselves on your river bed? are there reeds that are slowing the flow? is there a great tree with roots reaching into the river? are you fluttering your feet as you drift? are there winds kicking up little rapids? are there raindrops splatting and plopping on your surface? is the sun dancing madly? 

~~~*~~~



today i'm going to write on the last page of my current journal. it's a journal i've been writing in since the end of march. it's the end of a certain time in my life. another significant seven month period. and it's the beginning of a new journal, and another significant time in my life... what the next months, and what the next journal will gather and reveal is unknown. an exciting time: an end and a beginning. 

i'm ready to jump into a new journal, a new chapter, a new river.... with you. let me know what you're thinking...   

doors and moonbeams

whenever one door closes, another door opens. (http://www.redbubble.com/people/mortelliti/works/18640-doorway)

  the kids have been watching "the sound of music" again recently... and it's one of those deals where watching/looking at/reading anything more than once gives it all new meanings.

there are the timeless quotes, "whenever one door closes, another opens", and "you've brought music back into this house."

i can't even imagine how many times i've watched this movie, as a child myself, and now as an adult. but these days it's hitting me in another new way...

i remember wishing i could fast forward the section of the movie where the reverend mother is convincing maria that she needs to return to the captain's house, and face her fears. and then, of course, she sings~

"climb every mountain"

climb every mountain, search high and low, follow every highway, every path you know

climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, til you find your dream

a dream that will need all the love you can give

every day of your life, for as long as you live!!

and now... how could i ever skip that part!??! here is what we're doing right now:

we're climbing our mountains, searching high and low to find our dreams.

but, here's the part that i hadn't really heard until now:

a dream that will need all the love you can give

every day of your life

for as long as you live.

i've been thinking about how much i'm feeding my dreams with love. don't we have to know what are dreams are before we can give them love.... i've been trying to write my dreams down, identify them. and then again, i have to remember mother superior singing with the other nuns about maria "how do hold a moonbeam in your hand?"

these days my dreams are feeling like moonbeams... moving slowly through my mind, crawling across the floor while i sleep, when i wake before dawn. they're glittering. they're enticing, they're making dark spaces not so scary. romantic, even.

these days my dreams are feeling like the ruby seeds of pomegranates. they are filling my whole being with juicy light, pressing up against each other and holding each other in place. when i squeeze them (dreams and pomegranate seeds) in my fingers, they burst and stain my skin, leaving their mark. and when i pop them into my mouth (giving dreams "air time", biting into seeds) they burst, and their sweet tartness leaves a goofy grin on my face.




i can share a dream that i have while taking a nap with all of you. but what of all the waking dreams i'm having? it's a bigger leap to share those. i guess i'm thinking, i guess i'm feeling that these waking dreams are needing all the love that i have to give them....

if i wasn't so happily married and living the life i'm living, i'd be drawn to becoming a nun as maria was in "the sound of music"... there's something pure and romantic about that idea.

for i know that god, or the universe or whatever you (or i) want to call it, has a plan for me. and it would seem, at first, that in a abbey, i could find the focus and clarity quicker than i can find it while making lunches, and doing laundry. it would seem that way. however, i hear mother superior encouraging maria when maria returns to the abbey, afraid because she loves the captain and god: 

"our abbey is not be used to escape. what is it you can't face? are you in love with him? you have a great capacity to love. but you must find out how god wants you to spend your love. you must go back. these walls were not built to shut out problems, you have to face them. you have to live the life you born to live." 

and i, too, am blessed to get to make lunches and do laundry, and to feed, to find and to share my waking dreams with you. a new door is opening... wonderful plans are being revealed... and i can't wait to share them with you!!

green means go!

been thinking some more on the dream i had earlier this week... been thinking about how the posts from last week "add up"...

i was advised by a wise soul about how to tackle dream interpretation, and i talked it over with friends, family... here's the part worth sharing...

and it's not shocking... it's about balance. as usual.

the meanings being revealed to me about the dream are the meanings pertinent to me. but i'm wondering what these ideas bring up for you.

so, if we were to say that "the school" was our selves, and we begin in the meditation room~ here is the place where we practice watching our thoughts. here's the place where thought patterns emerge, and we're reminded to come back to the breath. this is where we spend time in our heads. (a place i happen to love.)

edda's photo

***how do you feel about being in meditation room? do you watch your thoughts? what are you thinking about now? right now?




next we go to the room where one can practice 'balance', where there's a big teeter totter. perhaps this is the gym of our selves. the place where we physically can move our bodies to practice movement, and the effects of movements. here's the place we sweat and find physical limitations, and break through barriers our minds have placed on our bodies. (a "newer" room in my life, and yet, another place i love.)

Add caption

***how about physical activity? how do you work your body? how do you rest it? do you listen to your body? what is it telling you now? right now?






then. a room described as "the womb". warm. inviting. this, folks, is the core. you can't be more in the midst of a body than when you're in the womb.

***the womb. think about it. you were there once? does any part of you remember it? have you felt it recently? what gets you there? what's keeping you out?





and then. i was standing in a hallway and   "above me, on the wall, were a bunch of old swords hanging as decoration. i was aware of wanting to move out from under the swords, in case one of them fell on me. " swords. why swords? 
the idea of tarot card's swords was presented to me. the idea of swords as "ideas". and some of the words i used were sleek, pieces of art, heavy, extensions of your arm. and the placement of the swords in the dream was in a circle, points towards the center. and i was worried that they'd fall on me.   

********** worried that ideas would fall on me?    ************

 ***what are your associations with swords? where would you find your swords pointing? are you worried they'll fall down on you?

balance.... it's a tricky thing. to balance between mind and body. to be drawn to writing a blog (and playing in my mind with you) and to be equally drawn to a sweaty run. to find a place in life where both can happen, and both do.

***where's your balance? how are you finding it today?

        *~*

tonight, on my way home, i hit every light. green. thinking about how the posts add up this week... green light means go!!!! open up wider, even to those mixed feelings.... the gifts will keep on coming, in dream form and in others. i look forward to hearing from you. 

a dream~

knowing that i wanted to write in the blog this afternoon, and also knowing that i needed a nap first, i fell asleep asking for a dream to come to me that would inform my blog entry.

here's what i dreamt:

i was a student at a building with an elderly gentleman from china. i was used to being at the school at regular hours, but for some reason, i was at the school all by myself, except for the old man. i was being allowed to go into each area (for the school was set up in sort of training rooms, a meditation room, a room for practicing balance which had a large teeter totter in it, and a room with a little room within it, which if you leaned on the wall, it was warm, "like a womb", i said) and spend time in there. i knew in the dream, just how lucky i was, for no one got a chance like this very often.
the man joined me in the hallway between areas, at a point where you had to step down two steps, and above me, on the wall, were a bunch of old swords hanging as decoration. i was aware of wanting to move out from under the swords, in case one of them fell on me. the old man stopped talking to me, as i said this, and also as another younger man, who was taller than me, slim, and had no hair, came walking swiftly down the hallway towards us. the older man knew he was coming, and i recognized him as being someone who was going to test me.

"3-2-1, GO!" said the older man.

and the younger man began to chase me. i had a bit of head start, and got down the stairs, then turned to my right and was running through an area with a bunch of chairs. as i got past them, i pulled one down from on either side of me so as to block the path, but i could feel the younger man closing in on me. i took a fast deep, ripping breath, then jumped high in the air, so that the younger man actually was running beneath me, and i came down behind him, and pulled him down. i twisted his neck, felt him go limp in my arms, and stopped a moment to be sure he was breathing (he was), then ran on ahead straight for a fence, outside, and across a field, covered in black rubber.
i knew exactly where i needed to go along the fence, and i hit it perfectly. i jumped and grabbed for the top, swung my leg over it and jumped down on the other side where there was a sports car. i could hear people coming. i jumped in the car, slammed the door shut, and revved the engine, then took off around the perimeter of the fence. turning right from where it was parked, i was heading north towards the entrance of the school. as i came around the corner to the right, i could see the entrance, and i could see the old man standing there grinning at me. my heart was racing, still. i was relived and angry all at once. i knew it was an important lesson.

what to make of this dream. lots to think about. what do you think it's all about?

stop holding yourself back.

i found this little gem on http://pinterest.com/ucmoons/ , a fabulous site to dream and to vision... do any of you have a vision board? the beauty of this site is that you can find endless possibilities, and add your own, if you like.

thinking about this holding yourself back.... have you ever held yourself back? for someone? for something? what is the gain in holding yourself back?

obviously, there have been times when i've held myself back, for someone. for something. and i could say that

and that those times i held myself back, were times i needed to stay back.... but in general, i'm thinking holding back doesn't serve me well. i've found that in the times that i have been as close to my self as i can, are the times that i have soared. the universe knows when you're holding back, and the universe knows when you're being you.

today, i got to climb to the top of a mountain with a group of friends who encourage me to be who i am. everyday, i get to be married to a man who adores me for who i am. there is exhilaration to be had when you surround yourself with this kind of person. who are the people in your life that tell you to "go for it!", to "be who you are!!", to "fling yourself at life!!"? have you ever told them? how about you do that today? i bet it'd bring a whole lot of love into their day...



stop holding yourself back. there are people out there, waiting, waking up in the night wishing, walking down the street looking, for you. for you to be you.
sure,





and there will be days when it feels right to hold back. but today is not that day. jump in! live it! love it!give us all that gift!!



mixed feelings

this saturday, the place that was the first home for both my kids will be demolished.

the place

~where i woke up one morning, and realized i was in love with the man who is now my husband.
~where i built a stone path out of rocks dug out of the ground with my dad, and collected at the beach with my mom.
~where i spent many nights worrying and feeling afraid of what was lurking in the dark outside.
~where i decided to take my life back, and rediscover the me that was hiding inside.

the place that will always be in our memories, but will no longer be standing sunday morning.

we talked with the kids tonight about some of the memories they had there. many memories came rushing over me, some not so pleasant, others filled with joy...

there's a part of me that has always found comfort in the smells of that place, that loved sitting on the front porch, and watching lightning bugs across the big lawn. and there's a part of me that is ready for that place to be buried. for it to be tilled under. for it to be gone.

i'm not usually like that: wanting something to be put to rest. but i guess i can say that it can be put to rest. and i can be okay. i love to process. i thrive on the process. but this is a rare opportunity for me to let this process finish. and move on.

i know the importance of place. and for about five years, this place was one of my places on earth.
when you plant perennials, and watch them come back every year,
when you paint walls and replace floors,
when you awake all hours with nursing babies,
and when you move your kitchen table to make room for a fourth member of the family who visits from florida every three weeks,
you can't help but connect with a place. you can't help but have a relationship with it. you can't help but love it.

oh how i loved that place.
and now, i'm going to let it go.