mixed feelings

this saturday, the place that was the first home for both my kids will be demolished.

the place

~where i woke up one morning, and realized i was in love with the man who is now my husband.
~where i built a stone path out of rocks dug out of the ground with my dad, and collected at the beach with my mom.
~where i spent many nights worrying and feeling afraid of what was lurking in the dark outside.
~where i decided to take my life back, and rediscover the me that was hiding inside.

the place that will always be in our memories, but will no longer be standing sunday morning.

we talked with the kids tonight about some of the memories they had there. many memories came rushing over me, some not so pleasant, others filled with joy...

there's a part of me that has always found comfort in the smells of that place, that loved sitting on the front porch, and watching lightning bugs across the big lawn. and there's a part of me that is ready for that place to be buried. for it to be tilled under. for it to be gone.

i'm not usually like that: wanting something to be put to rest. but i guess i can say that it can be put to rest. and i can be okay. i love to process. i thrive on the process. but this is a rare opportunity for me to let this process finish. and move on.

i know the importance of place. and for about five years, this place was one of my places on earth.
when you plant perennials, and watch them come back every year,
when you paint walls and replace floors,
when you awake all hours with nursing babies,
and when you move your kitchen table to make room for a fourth member of the family who visits from florida every three weeks,
you can't help but connect with a place. you can't help but have a relationship with it. you can't help but love it.

oh how i loved that place.
and now, i'm going to let it go.